Jason Hates My Cat

Jason Hates My Cat
by “Weird” Dave Borchardt
Special to the Weekly Eckstra

It’s not a secret: Jason hates my cat.

I can say with a high degree of confidence on behalf of the cat the feeling is mutual. Most cat owners will agree, though, a cat’s hatred is often, in is most redeeming quality, equal opportunity based. Just like most other felines in the world, my cat doesn’t discriminate—he hates just about everybody.

What is unusual to me is that the cat hates Jason.

Jason Eckert is perhaps the most loveable, giant stuffed teddy bear on the face of this planet. This is the same guy who gave his real estate agent a hug--not the one in Milwaukee selling his house--the one in Dayton, Ohio whom he had just met in person the day before.

Suffice to say, Jason Eckert is the one person on this planet who I can think of who potentially has no enemies.

Except my cat.

This mutual disdain isn’t new—it began years ago when Jason and the cat first met in Georgia. In one of life’s little ironies, as the Eckerts were transitioning from Milwaukee to Dayton, my family and I were in the middle of transitioning from Dayton to Texas. In an effort to show some hospitality and to see a friend I hadn’t in so many years, I opened my house to Jason, Cari, Cassi and Tommy to stay for a few days while they checked out the jewel of lower-central southwestern Ohio.

As Jason and Cari had a great deal of house-hunting to do, we went our separate ways during the day. One evening, while enjoying an overpriced coffee and studying for an exam at the local St. Panera Bread Company, I received a phone call from Jason.

“Uhm…Dave….there’s a problem with the cat.” I was concerned. As many of you know, “Uhm…” is what Jason says out loud instead of the four-letter word he his thinking of.

In the course of the conversation it became apparent the cat had somehow attacked Jason and his family and now was holding them hostage. They had locked themselves in a room and from the commotion in the background, it sounded like my cat and a legion of Orcs were trying to break down the door.

No, I am not kidding.

I have owned my cat for more than 10 years now. It weighs a whopping 9 ½ pounds and has no front claws. It has never, and I mean never, drawn blood other than accidentally while jumping from my lap or playing—except for this time.

Next on Fox: when Dave’s cat attacks.

When I arrived at home, I found the cat sitting in front of a door that was normally open. He approached me, rubbed my leg and then went over to his food dish, clearly unconcerned as if to communicate “Cat: one, Jason: zero.”

I cautiously opened the door and found Jason and his family barricaded in my home office. Had Jodi Foster been present, I would have mistaken it for a scene from the movie Panic Room. Every few months or so, you read about a tragic story where, for seemingly no reason, a chimpanzee tears off someone’s face, a panda bear rips off someone’s arm or a tiger mauls an overly flamboyant Las Vegas magician. Apparently, these sorts of situations are not confined to exotic pets—you just don’t hear about my cat in the news.

The attack was a fairly traumatic event for the Eckert kids—at least for Tommy. I was upset, Jason was concerned (Jason never gets above “concerned” for anything short of nuclear war), I believe the cat was in real danger of being strangled by Cari and I was a bit fearful I was next. Needless to say, the cat was confined for the rest of the visit, Cari and Tommy made a visit to the local doc-in-a-box and, hopefully, the physical scars have healed.

I truly still feel bad about the incident. How do you apologize for such a thing? Hallmark doesn’t make a “sorry my cat tried to eat your family” card. The cat still lives with me in Houston and, though we don’t discuss it, I am pretty sure he still hates Jason.

Jason told me a few months ago, long after the incident, Tommy turned to him out of the blue and said, “Daddy, (Dave’s cat) doesn’t like us very much does he?”

Despite what Tommy thinks, the cat hates Jason, but loves Jason’s family.

They’re delicious.